Reflections

Far too often I’m met with the feeling I have now, as if I’m submerged neck deep in feelings of displacement, loss, and emptiness.

It’s not a terrifying feeling, not anymore I guess, but you take note of it everytime it rears its ugly head. Especially when you’re powerless to suppress it.

When I am most quiet and undistracted, I allow myself to accept the notion that I don’t know where it is I ought to be; always hungry and searching for somewhere, or someone.

My life on so many levels feels wasted, a failure, like a book with way too many chapters. On the flip side, there are times I feel so rewarded, so thankful.

I guess that’s life though, for all of us.

My travels have been fun, I am well, but I was hoping that this feeling of displacement would have evaporated while I was out here.

As silly as that sounds; how can one NOT feel displaced while traveling?

I was just hoping that I would’ve found some answers, that maybe by now I would’ve found a place to be. A place to settle, somewhere that filled me with total and absolute belonging.

Maybe I just haven’t found it yet, possibly it doesn’t even exist. Or maybe, I enjoy being in this bittersweet limbo.

Either way, the search goes on.

I tell myself that I’m doing exactly what I want to do. The traveling, seeing new places, meeting new people, and so on. I feel guilty for it, sometimes, like I’m being so incredibly self-serving, forgoing family functions and long term friendships for a quiet place on the beach with a book, a motorbike ride down the 101, or feeling the embrace of a new city. But, I suppose I’m as emotionally unavailable out here, as I am there. At least now the miles between us match our distance.

But there is something out here, something beautiful and unique – even in the feeling of being displaced. I need to stop feeling so bad for enjoying it all so much.

A year ago this was the answer to feeling unfulfilled, and these last two months have been so rejuvenating and enjoyable, even despite the feelings I can’t always silence.

On so many levels, I feel as if I could do this for the rest of my life. That truthfully, this way of life — no matter how illogical it may sound — is indeed the most logical answer for this particular wanderer.

It’s simple and uncomplicated.

And maybe by wandering deeper into the woods is the only way to be found on the other side.

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